You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
