i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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