I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
