I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
