If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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