your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
