then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
