I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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