I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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