you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
