We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
