I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
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Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
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this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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