dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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