Old men and throwing up are my life now.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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