Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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