I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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