Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
