We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
