I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
