At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
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Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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