who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
