I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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