I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
