look no pants
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
