Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
