I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
