I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
how does that bad decision feel?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
