Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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