If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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