I need help removing her.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
