we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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