I heard we made out
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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