This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
