I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
