I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
