Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
