i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
