Umm I'm too high to move.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
