Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
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We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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