I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
