Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
