My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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