I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
