a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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