I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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