I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just forgot I was standing up.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
