I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
