did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
