My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
