we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
