I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
