Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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