When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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