Texts From Last Night

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  (845): View more from New York

  he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"

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  (845): he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail" http://tfl.nu/o5gt
  Replies (37) Good night (6422) Bad night (1345)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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  (352): Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song. http://tfl.nu/qyok
  Replies (22) Good night (3287) Bad night (3242)
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.

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  (618): Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog. http://tfl.nu/c9by
  Replies (29) Good night (2233) Bad night (4926)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?

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  (412): At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks? http://tfl.nu/fbfw
  Replies (8) Good night (1219) Bad night (2810)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...

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  (443): At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead... http://tfl.nu/ukld
  Replies (10) Good night (736) Bad night (4312)
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.

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  (267): This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this. http://tfl.nu/d3gm
  Replies (6) Good night (2282) Bad night (701)
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  (760): View more from California

  Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.

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  (760): Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood. http://tfl.nu/nrod
  Replies (9) Good night (2447) Bad night (692)
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  (409): View more from Texas

  Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?

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  (409): Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall? http://tfl.nu/ymbz
  Replies (7) Good night (2429) Bad night (776)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I left it in that guy's dorm room.

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  (613): come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?! (902): I left it in that guy's dorm room. http://tfl.nu/1k29
  Replies (4) Good night (1630) Bad night (591)
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  (310): View more from California

  My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?

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  (310): My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here? http://tfl.nu/bu6m
  Replies (5) Good night (2264) Bad night (504)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.

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  (651): somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex. http://tfl.nu/wfkq
  Replies (2) Good night (1093) Bad night (375)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.

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  (202): I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here. http://tfl.nu/svec
  Replies (6) Good night (757) Bad night (549)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point

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  (828): It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point http://tfl.nu/65lu
  Replies (4) Good night (351) Bad night (456)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"

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  (719): What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family" http://tfl.nu/mzlk
  Replies (1) Good night (306) Bad night (167)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"

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  (815): Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!" http://tfl.nu/ep20
  Replies (1) Good night (695) Bad night (166)

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