my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.