Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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