How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Also, beer. Big fan.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
